1. Paw Prints – I don’t see the appeal of making it look like you’ve been molested by a raccoon. Like it snuck in through your bedroom window and tap danced on your chest while you were passed out, that sneaky bugger.
2. Strawberry – If you’d like to explain how this is significant to you, I’m all ears. Maybe you ate a tasty strawberry once, and it changed your whole life? Maybe you’re a strawberry picker? Maybe you visited Strawberry Fields in Liverpool and then wobbled down to the tattoo shop after too many Stellas while on holiday? Ding! That’s it.
3. Dolphins – This screams Miami, 1988. Unless you really got it in 1988, in a display of youthful recklessness, then this water mammal is too graceful to be permanently trapped in your sea of skin.
4. Asian characters – That’s special, white guy. You can’t read it, but you’re pretty sure it means “courage” or “individuality” or some shit. Why can’t more English-speaking people get their little mantras written in a respectful Times New Roman? I know, it’s cause you get a chubby eroticizing the unfamiliar like every other arrogant world oppressor.
5. Someone’s Name – This is the #1 reason to invest in tattoo removal technologies. I’m gonna make a trillion dollars offa dimwits who believe in “forever.” Some of us prefer to honour our loved ones through concepts like “being nice to them” and “having fond memories of them” but I guess that’s not literal enough.
6. Belly/Tit tats – Speaking of forever, looks like you presume that you’re gonna be young and toned for all time. I know you’ve listened to the cautions concerning weight gain, skin stretching, and sagging, but you haven’t really heard them, have you. In a few years, it will be fun watching you watch yourself transform into a monster.
7. Stars – Really? Are you 10? Still playing with Crayola ink and rubber stamps? Do you still paint your nails with white out? Star symbols should be banned unless they’re appearing in a full sleeve of the cosmos which, of course, most of you wouldn’t have the balls to get.
8. Astrological Symbols – What a clichéd way to pigeonhole yourself. Who am I? Shoot, I keep forgetting. Wait, if I tattoo a scale on my ass I’m sure I’ll remember! *Zzzzzzzz.* There we are, I’m a scale. I’m “diplomatic and charming.” Clearly.
9. Tribal arm bands – Some fiddly and unoriginal lines around your arm or ankle don’t make you cool. Whatever happened to bracelets? Why aren’t they enough anymore?
10. Teardrops – Smarten up. These tats must be taken gravely seriously, since it insinuates that you’re a gang member who has killed people. I don’t know how certain members of the “mainstream” got hold of this and turned it into a cutesy thing to perma-etch on your face, but it’s not an effin’ beauty mark!
11. Little red tattoos – Red-inked tats usually look like scabs, which means you’re always gonna look gross. If only removing them was as easy (and fun!) as picking them off.
12. Butter/Dragonflies – Hi girlfriend. Your tattoo is as pretty and sweet as cupcakes at bridal showers. It’s not offensive, not suggestive, not thoughtful. But let’s be honest, it’s totally easier to order your body art from the catalogue than having to think too much. Who cares if everyone else has the same one…you’re already standardizing yourself through your H&M wardrobe anyhow.
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