1. Most importantly, don’t trade the Rolls for a ride in the convertible...unless it’s red with racing stripes. Then it’s ‘K.
2. Be Aloof. ALOOF. Aloof.
3....while simultaneously acting like a drunken whore. (This is tricky. If you’re having trouble, think of Madonna circa Truth or Dare or most men).
4. Despite popular belief, if both of you have garlic breath, it DOES NOT cancel itself out. You both smell.
5. Never send anonymous emails to your crush. That’s worse than leaving 7-page single spaced love letters in his locker (if you didn’t learn your lesson in grade 10, I pity you, darling).
6. Never say “let’s just be friends.” Nobody buys that crap. Instead try “fuck buddies?”
7. For the ladies, try eating more bananas or popcicles in public. Guaranteed results.
8. For the fellas, carry an acoustic guitar on your back wherever you go. You’ll surely earn “sensitivity”/ “rock God” points. If you learn to play it, bonus!
9. On a first date, don’t ask about his/her sexual history. If I wanted to date my OB/GYN I would, asshole.
10. Rebounds have a bad rap. But remember, no-one wants a heart-on-his-sleeve pussy unless, say, he’s a pussy with an acoustic guitar and 10 original songs about his ex. In which case, go for him ladies!
[First published in The Eyeopener, 2002]
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