Thursday, November 10, 2011

Pests Make Me Puke


1. Bedbugs – It’s really dumb that a crawling flax seed could haunt my dreams this way. You know what assholes, I’m gonna spray the GTA with DDT and eradicate every last one of you! I’ll neuro-intoxicate every other living thing along with you, but at least we’ll get some precious, eternal, sleep for once.


2. Mice – You’re cute and deserve to die. Especially the one in my house who I’ve named Fink. He’s the little bugger who horses around behind the stove, gorges on peanut butter without springing the trap AND THEN shits inside my John Fluevog shoes. Your ass is grass, pal!


3. Ear Wigs – Didn’t used to bother me until I found one in my ear. Seriously.


4. Lice – Oh god, you’ve been the bane of my existence since childhood. One kid in the class would get lice, implicating everyone else. We’d line up and be subjected to examinations by rough-handed nurses. Just when I thought the reign of terror was over, I’m told I have to fear “adult” lice living in dudes’ underpants.


5. Moths – Don’t be fooled by their “I’m sorta like a butterfly” routine. Butterflies are sweet and lovely because they wouldn’t DREAM of doing the following bullshit: Fly erratically, hide in the dark, end up in your hair, commit suicide by candle flame, pollute your rice with worms, or eat holes in the cashmere sweater that flatters your rack.


6. Cockroaches – Clearly I’m a Princess. I’d never seen one until 2006. But now that I’ve chosen the artist’s life, I’m well acquainted with them. Particularly the june-bug sized black ones that inhabit the basement of Massey Hall who play death metal sets behind the bar when no-one’s listening.


7. Fruit Flies – Quit flying up my nose, winged dot! You’re the reason I abstain from bananas. Even winter won’t kill you. Who the hell do you think you are, arrogantly surviving my glue traps and slipping between the grate of my swatter?


8. Mosquitoes – Not only do you sound like tinnitus, but you ruin all outdoor leisure time such as picnics and camping. And you spread Malaria and Black Nile, which is fairly inconsiderate as well.


9. Black Flies – I thought people were exaggerating the threat of these little insects. And then I got bit by one on the face and it took 6 months to heal. This “pimple” threatened to ruin my life long after your inconsequential life had ended, and for that, I’m gonna spray myself in the face with Deet every time I’m outside. So there muthafuckaz!


10. House centipedes – Because you scuttle. Humans instinctively fear things that scuttle. Even the world “scuttle” gives us the heebie-jeebies. That’s all I know about you, but you can still fuck off.


11. Red Ants – Personal vendetta: One summer, I was enjoying the evening on a park bench near the ravine. I felt a burning pinch on my back, and got up to find them all over me. Then I felt a pinch on my ass. I had to hide under a bridge like a troll, remove my pants like a pedophile, and shake them out like a junkie in a cold sweat. The culprit was moments away from biting my lady’s secret.


12. Rats – I kinda liked you guys for awhile. Like as pets. But if you reach a certain size, my switch flips. The fear and scapegoating bubbles inside, I find myself throwing the Black Death in your face, which isn’t really your fault, and didn’t really affect me, but I’m mad so I grab at shitty things in the universe to blame you for.


13. Squirrels – “Are really just rats with puffy tails.” Discuss.


NOTE: Bees, snakes and spiders didn’t make this list. I’m friends with these clans because they’re less obnoxious than these other monsters. I want to see humans form an alliance with the not-so-bad pests and fund their attack on the abhorrent ones. When the war is over, we can celebrate our triumph with oodles of honey, snake skin purses, and spider silk mutant foods!

2 comments:

  1. I love it! Spiders are currently on my shit list because, while I normally don't mind them, they get big, black and poisonous here. And they like to hang out in my doorway.

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  2. Did I tell you that I caught a mouse in Rory's food dish the other day? Little bastard was nonchalantly munching away on the bunny pellets. It's unfortunate that rabbits are such cowardly pacifists ---I'd've been all "Get out ma dish, bitch!"

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