Monday, March 26, 2012

Unseasonable styles cause riots

March heat wave “a real panty peeler,” says Ma Nature

1. You can spot a trendslut by the oodles of flesh s/he exposes as soon as it hits above 10 degrees. Step out of a cold, lonely, Winter into a Spring of sizzling desperation, starring short shorts paired with army boots, flip flops and peacoats, and scarves doubling as shawls after sundown.

2. Baseball hats with the ‘stickers of authenticity’ left on them is akin to me leaving the labels on my new Pinup Couture dress. If it’s some kind of status symbol to show the world I’m a size M, I’ll strut the fuck out of it on the runways of my mind. And you, kid, will limp behind me, rocking the ‘Not-A-Knockoff!’ urban accessorreezz line.*

3. *The Design Snob regrets that hoodies will NOT be part of Not-A-Knockoff’s Spring collection. It’s recently come to My attention, care of TV genius Geraldo Rivera, that only hooligans wear hoodies.

4. Here’s a recipe for shenanigans: St. Paddy’s Day + Saturday night + Students + London, Ont. + Vodka Red Bulls + the fair-skinned, dark-haired, blue-eyed, beauty in a teeny tanktop, kilt, and knee socks who snapped the minds of 1000 virgin boys by belting Sunday Bloody Sunday at karaoke earlier that night.

5. We’re in Dora Keogh on the Danforth. Inspired by the New Orleans funk music, a man frantically, yet artfully, dance-humps unsuspecting patrons and openly enjoys a quickie with my knee. But he’s not my favourite. No, that prize goes to the plump exhibitionista who is now dancing on the bar. The view up her dress would have thrilled the otherwise unflappable Irish bartenders were it not for the fact that she splattered all three of them when she fell down from there.

6. A girl wearing a royal blue mircoskirt should not also sport an oatmeal granny sweater in the hope that the sweater will cover the portion of ass left exposed by the skirt. Two extreme wrongs NEVER make a right. Oops, and THEN – said girl should avoid dropping her iphone on the Dundas West bus platform (her hands were greasy due to just-purchased midnight McDonald’s) and bend alllll the way over to pick it up while I’m in the middle of writing about that very ass.

7. Another observation on the platform: If the back pockets of your jeans are so ripped that your used car salesman business cards are spilling outta there, it’s time for a career AND fashion makeover!

8. Then again, don’t be the weirdo blogger staring at everyone’s ass and manically scribbling in a Moleskine journal. Like, get off the adrenochrome, Hunter S.!

9. On the #40 bus: Please also avoid being a 45-year old hippie/MDMA fiend/reclaimed subway cushion vendor from the Junction who presumes he’s manufactured enough kookiness to wear a fanny pack in front of me.

10. Now at home: It’s probably disrespectful to the neighbours to blast Dolly Parton and have a masturbatory fashion show involving one's mirror, John Fluevogs, and aforementioned Pinup Couture dress with labels still proudly dangling, dorkface!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Toronto Manifesto: All You Need is Love

1. I love that all the judgeybears who hate this city don’t live here. I’m grateful that they’re in charge of all the pocket towns that white Torontonians drive through in summertime. Thank you for your lakes, galleries, flea markets, cheap bistros, parks, little theatres, and ‘ye olde’ shoppes. On behalf of our wallets, you’re welcome!

2. To friends living in utilitarian communities – the names of which we can’t think of right now…or even locate on a map – sorry! – you’ve had your minute with the conch and what we’re hearing is that you hate us. We appreciate this open communication. It can’t be easy toiling in a one-trick town, running factories or drills, your only pleasure being visits to Costco. Going forward, let’s compromise: you come visit us for the first time in your life and we’ll… – we’ll let you.

3. While you’re visiting this superior place, you might feel a little xenophobic at first. That’s normal. Toronto is used to blowing small minds with its cultural diversity. Observe your fears, then let them float by like clouds. After all, jealousy does not inspire enlightenment.

4. I talked to the gunman who made headlines. I convinced him to turn himself in to police. I also helped him write the following statement for the media: “On behalf of all Scarborough residents, I am deeply sorry to the good people of Toronto. I didn’t intend to sully your national reputation through my malevolent act of violence.”

5. After extensive surveys of the city’s popular nightlife areas, I’ve concluded that drinking establishments are largely frequented by people living outside of Toronto. Please, as our very special guests, do continue to enjoy yourselves here! Your visits inspire us to find new neighbourhoods to party in, until we’re ferreted out again. It’s like a neverending game of hide and seek, and you’re always ‘it’! Fun!

6. You once criticized Toronto because of its homelessness problem. Ten bucks says you were walking in the theatre district on a Saturday evening and you felt intimidated by the slew of panhandlers you passed? Panhandlers, who aren’t necessarily homeless, congregate in areas where tourists will be, which can make the problem look worse than it is. And frankly, the fact that people live on Toronto’s streets might have to do with the fact that there’s a lack of social services in the towns they’re originally from. And we have purer crack than all y'all.

7. Or perhaps you were walking in the financial district, and were intimidated by the people in suits because you can only dream of having that much money. That’s OK Sudbury, we’ll give you some. Cause we love to share. And you know what – here’s some extra cash, from my own little stash, that I want you to give to the lovely employees at your CRA tax office. Thank you all so much for everything you’ve done for me. Great work, guys!!

8. You say it’s expensive to own spacious property here…that’s generally true. Yeah, maybe you HAVE solved the riddle by buying a big, cheap, house in...Orangeville, is it? (Doesn’t sound like a real place, but whatever you say, bud). Now you can be first in line at all the world-class cultural events like the…uh…well I guess there’s the annual maple syrup festival. And you can get sauced on Coors Light at the shack-sized beer tent and drive home in your SUV with your kids in the back.