Here’s some “celebrities” who make me mad. Let their stories be a warning.
1. I carry personal baggage surrounding Charlie Sheen. I keep vowing to never speak of him or his fans again, but I’ll do it this one last time. Sheen brings out the crazy in everyone. He’s like a full moon. Which I hope has finally waned, cause that was a horrendous wax.
2. Kim Kardashian is like a rash that keeps reappearing on the ass of the news. Yes, that’s mean…but seriously, why is she a celebrity? What does she do? Is her life a pop-art performance piece?
3. Speaking of performance art, Lady Gaga is someone I’m trying really hard to hate. But every time I see her on TV, I guilt-love her a little more. People overstate her subversive monster qualities, but at least her near-nudity is more interesting than Rihanna’s.
4. After five looooong years of hearing about this woman, I’m pretty sure the words “Paris Hilton” have returned to meaning, “a four-star hotel in Paris.” What a relief! Call me old-fashioned, but I like to maintain a healthy separation between names and places, church and state, the rich and famous.
5. And her sidekick, Nicole Richie. Motherhood put an end to paparazzi-pics of her bones jogging in a saggy bikini at the beach. Now it’s the baby bump who’s making headlines. Insiders say the bump was seen stumbling out of a nightclub with Jessica Simpson’s bump. Humps and Lumps were waiting in the car.
6…and that’s how Fergie drove the last nail into the Black Eyed Peas’ coffin. Humps and Lumps declined to comment.
7. What’s the difference between Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds? I experience acute anxiety when my girlfriends start swooning over one (or both?) of them. I swoon too, but I’m actually just faking it to uphold society’s strictly-held social norms.
8. Jersey Shore…sorry, where is this place? Where did the show’s producers find these creatures? I saw some interesting characters sleeping on benches outside the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health this afternoon – I’m gonna start a reality show too!
9. Justin Bieber. I think I’m the only person who still hasn’t heard any of his music. I don’t have any justifiable problem with the kid, but he’s no Raffi, that’s sure as heck!
10. In conclusion, these people are all just victims of the celebrity system. They are artists and entrepreneurs struggling to live and work in peace, but are unfairly hounded by the blood-thirsty media. Meanwhile, consumers of that media are equally victimized by being forced to click on celebrity websites, attend cash-grab live performances, and pine for knockoff versions of red carpet looks. It’s a cycle that kills. Donate now to save lives.
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