A. If you’re wearing Crocs it’s mandatory I puke on them.
B. Nice gladiator sandals. Too bad they make your legs look short and will be unfashionable tomorrow.
C. I guess you’re wearing those Converse All Stars cause having the same shoes as every other marketing victim is the new uniform for rebellion, eh hipster?
D. Judging by your flip flops and tan, I see you’ve recently been lounging at the cottage. Wait, you say you haven’t left Toronto all summer? And it’s been rainy and cold the whole time? Uh oh. I hear the penalty for posing as a lady of luxury is to go down to the dock with a rope and learn how to tie knots so you can hang yourself.
E. Despite how you’ve thrown a belt around its waist and are wearing it with leggings, everyone knows your “dress” is actually a shirt.
F. Upon further inspection, I’m noticing that those leggings are flattering your camel toe. Pretty!
G. Simply having thighs doesn’t entitle you to show off how dimply they are in those short-shorts.
H. Hey hippie chick, your tattered clothes make you look homeless. I guess having no worldly possessions is the epitome of green living, hey?
I. If American Eagle and Hollister were slogans that implied more than “I’m a tourist from upstate New York,” the world could be in the throes of a political/intellectual awakening rather than a mall-zombie infestation.
J. I guess you’ve lost your purse and that’s why you’re carrying your shit in one of those cloth shopping bags? And by the way, even if the shopping bag says “Coach” or “Harrods” or “Tiffany,” it doesn’t mean anyone’s being duped into thinking you shop there…but nice try princess.
K. Hey Johnny Public, those camouflage cargo shorts say “I am AWOL from caring about how I look.”
L. Let’s hope that’s an ironic handlebar moustache, and not actually a signpost that you’re a bear who picks up cubs at O’Grady’s on Friday nights. (Not that anyone minds…it’s just that girls will entirely quit showing sexual interest in you, is all).
M. Hey pimp daddy, your XL shirt fits like a little girl’s nightie. P.S. Pimps are modern-day slave masters so quit calling yourself that.
N. Don’t actually follow draconian dos and don’ts lists. Creativity is sexy, even if you fail miserably and end up looking like a sack of rainbow crap.
From August 2009.
No comments:
Post a Comment