Abominable Foods

1. Brussel Sprouts – You taste like my backyard. There’s grass, old trees, garbage cans, a hobo poking around the alley for empties.

2. Onions – If you eat them raw, you should be ashamed of yourself. You’ll need to go to confession to absolve your sin! But onions are so uncivilized that the priest probably won’t sit within a mile of you! You’ll exit the church in tears then, late Sunday night, alone in your candle-lit kitchen, you’ll gorge on a bulb of raw garlic and have an explosive gastrogasm, won’t you, glutton!?

3. Green peppers – Is this healthy or something? Why’s everyone and their mother trying to make me eat this bitter junk? It’s extra sick when cooked and, unfortunately, stars in every meal of the day, from eggs to pizza. It’s enough to turn a snob anorexic.

4. Fish sauce –It tastes good, but makes you smell you’ve performed cunnilingus on a dead cod.

5. Kraft Dinner – This is an insult to the word ‘dinner’. You call that macaroni? And this garbage is supposed to be cheese? And then you douse it in ketchup to camouflage the poisonous flavour? You stupid gringo, don’t tell me this is your idea of rosé sauce? My sophisticated tastes outgrew this gruel before birth.

6. McDonalds Hamburger – I had one recently…it tasted like fallen dreams. Can’t believe I used to pine for these once upon a time…ahhh…back in the ol’ Americana days, when we didn’t know no better.

7. Liver – This tastes like bile and toxins, which is à propos. While beef liver is weird, I CAN tolerate calf’s liver on occasion, cause how could he accumulate any grossness? He’s toooo cuuuute!!!

8. Pâté – Hey Liver, I know you’re hiding in there! Don’t think you can change forms and market yourself as a delicacy to throw me off your trail. If word gets out that humans are so gullible, your comrade, canned cat food, will be next to launch a line of canapé toppers.

9. Parsnips – This root tastes sweet and metallic, like it’s full of vitamins and minerals. Whatever. People take pills for that. See you to the top the endangered species list, yukko.

10. Popcorn – is delicious EXCEPT at movie theatres, where most people chew it with their mouths open. When this happens, I have to teach mofos some manners. During the quiet scene that you’re ruining, I’ll snatch the bag from your greasy paws and toss it at the screen shouting, “ANIMALS!!!” Then I’ll walk out slowly, kernels like bullets in my wake.