1. Thank god for leg warmers. How ELSE would we bridge the gap between the iconic 1980s TV series, ‘20 Minute Workout’, and modern bad taste?
2. Loving how you’re cinching your waist by wearing a belt over your cardigan. Creating a very flattering shape there. A very USELESS flattering shape. Like a rhombus or a dirhombicosidodecahedron.
3. Remember you’re not a real person unless you have a TNA bag and Bench hoodie. TRUE fashionistas are upping the ante this season by selling their NAMES as adspace. I am now known as ‘American Expressica,’ bitches!
4. Hey hipster, with your spoogey hair and pilling toque, you look like you’re straight off the set of The Beachcombers! (I know you don’t know what that is…CTV hasn’t produced the sexy modern re-make, yet).
5. Spoogey hair – that reminds me. The Tintin look is over, Mister. PUT AWAY THE DIPPITY DO.
6. Those Payless ballet flats are just as useless as blackened ski socks on a homeless man, cause it seems neither of you can afford real shoes.
7. Hey girl, what are you gonna be for Halloween? A fuzzy whore, Super Slut, winged ho, or immortal tramp? A period-era trollop?! Awesome! Lets get costumes at Seduction – I mean Malabar.
8. It is a true trendsetter who tucks in his black Local Crew T-shirt into his brown-belted Levis. You clean up nice, Pops!
9. Your hat reminds me of Debbie Gibson, Joey from New Kids on the Block and Samantha Ronson all wrapped up in one. Maybe sometimes, I light candles and secretly kiss a poster of you hanging on my bedroom wall. Tee hee.
10. I dig the leather vest! Either your rock & roll career peaked at Altamont in 1969 when the Hells Angels gang member stabbed that spectator OR you’re channeling Freddie Mercury, who rises from the grave to attend fetish parties every Pride weekend?
11. I listen to music too, but your Bose professional-grade headphones are bigger than your face – and are kinda making me jealous – therefore they’re inappropriate to wear whilst drowning out valium-voiced etiquette announcements on the subway during your commute to your HMV job.
12. I WOULD shave off my eyebrows and pencil them back in, higher and darker of course...but ya know what, NOT doing that saves me a step in the morning and leaves me with more time to bronze the fuck out of my cheekbones.