Even Bitchier Fashion Don'ts

1. Nice 5” stilettos. Too bad you look like a stripper with polio when you walk in them.

2. Has Kurt Cobain risen from the grave to assemble an army of neo-grunge, plaid-clad bedheads, or was 1993 just randomly selected as the next big thing and re-packaged as ‘Boho chic’?

3. I don’t care if Sienna Miller was spotted wearing Uggs once, that doesn’t give you the right to wear them unless you, too, are hot enough to have shagged Jude Law.

4. If there weren’t so many monograms and cartoon flowers all over your shit-brown Louis Vuitton purse, it miiiiiiight look like it’s worth the $1000 you paid for it.

5. No-one told me Ed Hardy is now President and CEO of the universe. I bet his name is plastered on the rings of Saturn cause they ALSO wanna look ‘edgy.’

6. Speaking of tattoo designs, I love that dolphin/butterfly/Chinese symbol inked on your back!* *Must invest in companies specializing in laser-removal of stretched-marked clichés. I shall die a trillionaire!!!

7. I love how your jeans are hanging off your ass, boi, cause now I know better than to touch the lice-ridden bits and pieces hidden beyond your stained and threadbare boxers.

8. Because I’m not done ragging on leggings: If you have leggings with fake back pockets screen printed on them so they look like ultra tight jeans (to those with visual impairments, and from over 6 metres away) I’ll burn them and anything they’ve touched, including your sassy lil’ ass.

9. Acid washed, tapered, jeans don’t count as skinny jeans but nice try Mom.

10. Your ass-exposing micro-mini dress is giving boys a “10” on the bone-o-meter but that doesn’t mean they’ll want to hear what you have to say. They’ll presume you’re a brainless floozy, just like all the girls will.

11. Leather pants should NOT be worn by anyone other than rock stars, cougars who go to Chick ‘n’ Deli, and Bon Jovi fans with weaknesses for the Danier outlet store.

12. If your pants are so long that they’re touching the ground, this should indicate that you need them hemmed. HEMMED doesn’t mean rolled up, pinned, or tucked into your socks. It’s something achieved with a needle and thread and – in a jam – double-sided hemming tape which, if you have any self-worth at all, would be tucked neatly in your purse beside your Tide To Go stick.

13. Hey muffin, if your waist is thicker than your hips, you have no business wearing low-rise pants or actually eating muffins.

14. Socks + sandals. Some weirdos are determined to keep committing this offense. Fine. WEAR your socks, sockettes, or nude pantyhose with reinforced toes. I don’t care. But I WILL spread rumors that you have athlete’s foot, warts, corns, hammer toes, bunions, foot odour, toe jam, fungus, oozing blisters, or secret prosthetic feet, and THAT’S why you’ve had to bite your thumb at good taste.

15. How was Yoga class? I presume the locker room was closed for renovations so you’ve been forced to commute home in that Lululemon shit instead of real clothes. Or are you just deliberately showing off cause you can afford $100 ‘work out pants’ and can twist into kinky sexual positions, ya smug bitch?

16. Hey Holden Caulfield, I’m digging your backwards hat. It makes you look so rebellious, so disapproving of the status quo, so aloof to facial sun damage. Now turn it around and grow the fuck up.