Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Rock Stars to Shag


1. David Bowie – Cause it would feel like shagging 100 magical dudes. I’m pretty sure he’s descended from unicorns.

2. Jim Cuddy – Between positions, he could teach you to sing like that. And afterwards, he’d let you sleep in one of his hunky cowboy shirts.


3. Chris Martin – He seems like a roses and Hallmark kind o’ guy. He’s got a beautiful wife, two kids, and an English accent. Pretty dreamy…but keep your eyes peeled. He might have herpes or a fetish for shemales.


4. Jim Morrison – A shirtless poet in leather pants? Yes please! I also love him when he was fat and bearded, cause I’m an equal opportunist.


5. Sting – Swoon! He’s a red hot fox! I bet if I asked him to, he’d use his alleyway wiles to punch the dentures right out of Jon Bon Jovi’s mouth.


6. Eddie Vedder – Obviously! Cause he’s the talented and philanthropic figurehead for a musical movement! He said screw you to Ticketmaster! He’s pals with Neil Young! And for a functioning alcoholic, his skin is gorgeous!


7. Fleet Foxes – They’d be warm and smell like campfire. You could wear them like buffalo hides until the park ranger busted you.


8. Courtney Love – For the life experience. And a wicked Hunter S. Thompson-style story you could sell to Rolling Stone, if they still care. And cause Billy Corgan might drop by – once again – if anyone still cares.


9. Beck – I adore his music. But the guy’s pretty mysterious. I bet he’d play hard to get by making you convert to Scientology before any clothes came off.


10. Hayden – Only due to accessibility. He lives in my neighbourhood and he looks like he needs some cheering up. We could grab a coupla coffees and go for a walk in the park… think about kissing…but not kiss, and walk home separately cause sometimes it’s more comfortable being alone.


11. Morrissey – If a warlock crept into your deepest mind-chamber and started picking up all the odds and sods strewn on the floor, he could mash them together to make this hottie: peppy pop music + wrist-slashing lyrics + facetiousness + punk pompadour + superman jawline + politically outspoken + love of animals = cock fight with Robert Smith.


12. Robert Plant – Because, baby, he’d give you every inch of his love. Would be a pity to waste it.

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