Monday, March 26, 2012

Unseasonable styles cause riots

March heat wave “a real panty peeler,” says Ma Nature

1. You can spot a trendslut by the oodles of flesh s/he exposes as soon as it hits above 10 degrees. Step out of a cold, lonely, Winter into a Spring of sizzling desperation, starring short shorts paired with army boots, flip flops and peacoats, and scarves doubling as shawls after sundown.

2. Baseball hats with the ‘stickers of authenticity’ left on them is akin to me leaving the labels on my new Pinup Couture dress. If it’s some kind of status symbol to show the world I’m a size M, I’ll strut the fuck out of it on the runways of my mind. And you, kid, will limp behind me, rocking the ‘Not-A-Knockoff!’ urban accessorreezz line.*

3. *The Design Snob regrets that hoodies will NOT be part of Not-A-Knockoff’s Spring collection. It’s recently come to My attention, care of TV genius Geraldo Rivera, that only hooligans wear hoodies.

4. Here’s a recipe for shenanigans: St. Paddy’s Day + Saturday night + Students + London, Ont. + Vodka Red Bulls + the fair-skinned, dark-haired, blue-eyed, beauty in a teeny tanktop, kilt, and knee socks who snapped the minds of 1000 virgin boys by belting Sunday Bloody Sunday at karaoke earlier that night.

5. We’re in Dora Keogh on the Danforth. Inspired by the New Orleans funk music, a man frantically, yet artfully, dance-humps unsuspecting patrons and openly enjoys a quickie with my knee. But he’s not my favourite. No, that prize goes to the plump exhibitionista who is now dancing on the bar. The view up her dress would have thrilled the otherwise unflappable Irish bartenders were it not for the fact that she splattered all three of them when she fell down from there.

6. A girl wearing a royal blue mircoskirt should not also sport an oatmeal granny sweater in the hope that the sweater will cover the portion of ass left exposed by the skirt. Two extreme wrongs NEVER make a right. Oops, and THEN – said girl should avoid dropping her iphone on the Dundas West bus platform (her hands were greasy due to just-purchased midnight McDonald’s) and bend alllll the way over to pick it up while I’m in the middle of writing about that very ass.

7. Another observation on the platform: If the back pockets of your jeans are so ripped that your used car salesman business cards are spilling outta there, it’s time for a career AND fashion makeover!

8. Then again, don’t be the weirdo blogger staring at everyone’s ass and manically scribbling in a Moleskine journal. Like, get off the adrenochrome, Hunter S.!

9. On the #40 bus: Please also avoid being a 45-year old hippie/MDMA fiend/reclaimed subway cushion vendor from the Junction who presumes he’s manufactured enough kookiness to wear a fanny pack in front of me.

10. Now at home: It’s probably disrespectful to the neighbours to blast Dolly Parton and have a masturbatory fashion show involving one's mirror, John Fluevogs, and aforementioned Pinup Couture dress with labels still proudly dangling, dorkface!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Toronto Manifesto: All You Need is Love

1. I love that all the judgeybears who hate this city don’t live here. I’m grateful that they’re in charge of all the pocket towns that white Torontonians drive through in summertime. Thank you for your lakes, galleries, flea markets, cheap bistros, parks, little theatres, and ‘ye olde’ shoppes. On behalf of our wallets, you’re welcome!

2. To friends living in utilitarian communities – the names of which we can’t think of right now…or even locate on a map – sorry! – you’ve had your minute with the conch and what we’re hearing is that you hate us. We appreciate this open communication. It can’t be easy toiling in a one-trick town, running factories or drills, your only pleasure being visits to Costco. Going forward, let’s compromise: you come visit us for the first time in your life and we’ll… – we’ll let you.

3. While you’re visiting this superior place, you might feel a little xenophobic at first. That’s normal. Toronto is used to blowing small minds with its cultural diversity. Observe your fears, then let them float by like clouds. After all, jealousy does not inspire enlightenment.

4. I talked to the gunman who made headlines. I convinced him to turn himself in to police. I also helped him write the following statement for the media: “On behalf of all Scarborough residents, I am deeply sorry to the good people of Toronto. I didn’t intend to sully your national reputation through my malevolent act of violence.”

5. After extensive surveys of the city’s popular nightlife areas, I’ve concluded that drinking establishments are largely frequented by people living outside of Toronto. Please, as our very special guests, do continue to enjoy yourselves here! Your visits inspire us to find new neighbourhoods to party in, until we’re ferreted out again. It’s like a neverending game of hide and seek, and you’re always ‘it’! Fun!

6. You once criticized Toronto because of its homelessness problem. Ten bucks says you were walking in the theatre district on a Saturday evening and you felt intimidated by the slew of panhandlers you passed? Panhandlers, who aren’t necessarily homeless, congregate in areas where tourists will be, which can make the problem look worse than it is. And frankly, the fact that people live on Toronto’s streets might have to do with the fact that there’s a lack of social services in the towns they’re originally from. And we have purer crack than all y'all.

7. Or perhaps you were walking in the financial district, and were intimidated by the people in suits because you can only dream of having that much money. That’s OK Sudbury, we’ll give you some. Cause we love to share. And you know what – here’s some extra cash, from my own little stash, that I want you to give to the lovely employees at your CRA tax office. Thank you all so much for everything you’ve done for me. Great work, guys!!

8. You say it’s expensive to own spacious property here…that’s generally true. Yeah, maybe you HAVE solved the riddle by buying a big, cheap, house in...Orangeville, is it? (Doesn’t sound like a real place, but whatever you say, bud). Now you can be first in line at all the world-class cultural events like the…uh…well I guess there’s the annual maple syrup festival. And you can get sauced on Coors Light at the shack-sized beer tent and drive home in your SUV with your kids in the back.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Reasons Why Men Are Fucks

1. You’d rather back out of the room smiling than tell a woman how you really feel. Are you afraid of making her cry? If she does, will her tears melt your flesh like sulfuric acid? (Sounds neat!)

2. Like peacocks that can’t fly, your confidence doesn’t reflect your competence.

3. At your core, you just need Mother to tell you you’re a good boy. Your penis is big and it’s OK if you want to play with it…Just not in public. Well...okay, but only on special occasions…like Pride week.

4. Look! Good Boy made dinner one time! What a magical feat! Let’s rent a plane and praise him in sky-writing. Seriously, most of you are just black holes that suck attention from the universe through your urethras.

5. You use testosterone as an excuse for everything shitty.

6. You think your brain is wired to successfully program my universal remote and fix my Mac. KEEP YER DIRTY PAWS OFF ‘EM! I wouldn’t presume to poke around under the hood of your car, just because “I’m pretty good at fixin’ stuff.”

7. …And while it’s nice that one or two of you have cars, reflect on how dickbaggy it is to ban your passengers from touching the radio. And how precious you are about how gently passengers close the door. And how obsessive you are about carwashes in wintertime. Think about that next time you call me a princess for polishing the salt off my John Fluevog boots!

8. There’s no mirrors in Boyland? You expect your woman to wax her entire body every day, but you can’t trim the nose hair that gets in her mouth when you french?

9. In groups, you transform into beer-guzzling monsters who heckle pedestrians and pick fights at clubs. But individually, you’re a bashful bunny with cute widdle whiskers!

10. …that said, no-one wants you to grow a moustache. It’s heartbreaking that modern males feel compelled to grow facial hair just to prove they can, like an annual check-in to confirm they’re still male.

11. You get up to dark mischief. You puke blood in strip club toilets, kill kittens, and fuck teenage sex slaves in Thailand. Every one of you has an evil blip in your past that might be cured with therapy if you didn’t think talking was ‘pussy’.

12. You hate using condoms more than you hate unplanned pregnancies and STIs combined. This is incongruous.

13. When riding public transit, is it mandatory that you sit with your legs spread so wide that you invade the personal space of other passengers? I know what you’re doing. You’re puffing up to warn crackheads that your balls are too huge to be approached.

14. If I hear another one of you praise lion prides, I’ll stab my eardrums. “Lions got it right, man. Cause the king gets to sleep in the shade all day, eats first, and has a harem of females to hump.” But you’re skimming over some important details: the females only keep the alpha around to act as a security guard and seed-source. And don’t ignore the lonely beta males who wander around until they starve. Only 1% of you have the physical superiority to be king.

15. Many of you are homophobic. This is because you know Kinsey was right: we’re all partly gay. It frightens you how much you yearn for anal sex. And cause you’re insanely jealous that your homosexual counterparts are more successful than you in every way.

16. You’re an arrogant and opinionated chauvinist – a Colonel of Fuckattacktics. You will occasionally appear to listen to someone else speak – a methodical diversion – which lowers his/her defenses and leaves his/her mind open to assault.

17. Some of you cushion yourselves from reality by being obsessed with sports. You’ve memorized fiddly details about teams and players but know jack shit about your own friends and family. You hide in front of the TV when there’s a game on to avoid real life…do you play World of Warcraft as well?

18. So you ARE a gamer? I knew it! At least that’s one thing you can do for more than thirty seconds at a time.

19. As children, you all have ADHD. You waste class time by shouting out the answers (which are wrong), you grab my braid-ends and use them as paintbrushes, you get lost on the way to the story carpet, you squiggle underfoot like a coked up breakdancer. Y’all don’t learn to sit still until you’re in your sixties.

20. Today’s males measure bravery through their mastery of extreme sports or Jackass tricks. But when asked to risk your heart, you only go so far as smoking and eating fatty foods. You pee your pants at the sight of blood and snakes, and you’re certainly not brave enough to defend your country. Real masculinity died when your grandfather did.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Reasons Why Women Are Stupid

1. You’re cleverer than most men, but you refuse to believe it. You squander your power through modest silence and self-hatred. There goes your advantage, dumbette.

2. Because at one point or another, you giggled when some bestial male made a comment about your tits. If a man spoke about another man’s tits that way, he’d get punched in the nose.

3. Because you used your communication skills to diffuse your own desire to punch someone in the nose, even though the fucker deserved a good nose bleed.

4. …but really, you just didn’t want to break a nail over another titty comment. They cost you a lot, tits and nails.

5. You downplay your ‘feminine interests’ because cooking and baby-making aren’t valued by the 30-something Peter Pans you covet and you know very well voicing these interests will ALSO halt your corporate climb.

6. For some reason, you’re afraid to be alone. You need your hand held throughout every decision you make. Is it because you require constant approval and validation or because, when your decisions don’t result in the desired outcome, you have someone’s ‘bad advice’ to scapegoat?

7. "Shopping is the opium of the people" – Karl Marx.

8. You decidedly ‘aren’t a feminist’. Because to you, feminism means bra burning and butch lesbianism. And you couldn’t possibly live without your cup-increasing water bra…or expand your heterosexist views of love, could you sweetie?

9. You think gender equality exists. Whahahahahaha!

10. You pretend to be submissive when really you’re dominant. So nothing ever gets done right. But this gives you something to pout about, which you secretly cherish because pouting is easier than trying, isn’t that right ya lazy coward?

11. Oh god. Or maybe you’re one of those girls who manipulates everyone until she gets her way. Girls like you ruin perfectly good men for the rest of us.

12. You talk so much, but say so little. You’re like the women of The View in a cage match with The Talk. Bullshit overload!! MUTE BUTTON!!

13. You might be able to watch TV, do laundry, disinfect the toilet, and text-console your BFF while reading an US Weekly. You’re great at multi-tasking – like an octopus treading water in a shark tank, still too distracted to replenish her ink.

14. Your worst fear is being called a ‘bitch’. So you smile and say yes until you finally have a breakdown during menopause.

15. The term ‘whore’ makes your legs lock together. But why become paralyzed with fear? I say, anyone who judges you for being sexually liberated doesn’t deserve the privilege of playing in your bed. If this reasoning doesn’t calm you, here’s one you’ll respond to: Shame and confliction make you look 10 pounds lighter!

16. Oh and then the ‘C word’. CUNT makes you shudder, obviously, because its etymology traces back to the words goddess, priestess, and queen. And those are soooooo yucky, riiight?

17. You allotted 20 minutes in the morning towards the fiddly application of tarantula mascara rather than extra sleep…

18. …all because you wanted to look pretty at the gym.

19. You dreamed of being a princess, or a bride, or a princess bride. But is there any personality under the tiara? Any abilities other than being a skinny vehicle for show tunes and flower bouquets? *

*Ans: Unicorn jockey!

20. Quit blaming the media for your shitty body image. Let’s hear you whine about celebrity culture and Photoshop once you’ve been maimed in an accident. Or maybe a little aneurism would dislodge your confidence block?

21. You think that being a woman means you’re naturally nurturing. And that’s why you’re trying to heal the broken man. “But all you need is love, like that song says,” you rationalize to your girlfriends over brunch. They smile and nod. Except for the one who reminds you of Miranda…she points out your shitty self esteem and low standards. Then you shun her for a month.

22. Nothing inspires your deepest cruelty as much as other women. You’re competitive and petty because you’re jealous that she might be happier than you. And maybe she is, from time to time. We don’t all have to be on the same side but let’s try to act with respect and dignity, OK ya dumb whore?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

How to be a Secret Alcoholic

1. Clear liquors are your best friend. A tumbler-full can be mistaken for water. And when mixed with pop or juice, you can add a single shot like a SmartServed lily-liver OR pour yourself a handsome quad.

2. “But Guinness is actually a health drink. A meal replacement beverage. The 0.3% iron content will supplement a diet consisting of many other beers,” he defended cleverly.

3. “Tonic, as its name suggests, is medicinal. It contains malaria-busting quinine. The gin is added to disinfect your innards,” she said, proudly educating her friends.

4. Booze is your companion in sorrow and celebration. So there’s great reasons to take advantage of it every day! Note that I said take advantage, not abuse.

5. …Which brings me to a very important point: utilize the power of language to manage your public image. You’re not “drunk” (how ugly!). No, you’re “merry.” You’re not “sloshed” you’re “flushed” (certainly there’s nothing wrong with a little blush in a lady’s cheeks?) You “imbibe” on weekends and “appreciate the nose” of wines.

6. When out with friends, order your drinks from the bartender instead of the server at the table. That way, your 8 beers aren’t tabulated on the group’s bill. Your over-consumption will remain between you and the bartender (who won’t judge, seeing as he’s probably also a booze-blood.)

7. Eight beers are best hidden by drinking from bottles. This way, the repeatedly low liquid level is hard for others to see. Sticking to the same brand will also trick people into thinking that the seventh is still your second.

8. Drink water. It makes you appear ultra responsible. And might actually help you not puke up the $150 you spent at the bar.

9. Eat food. It makes you seem rounded, like you’re not just in the market to drink. No, see, you’re pairing the cognac with cheese & crustinis, and that’s a super classy way to get “cheerful” AND “voluptuous.”

10. In conclusion, intoxication is a mind-set. If you turn into a violent, weepy, or stumbly monster, you’re failing the game. Painting the mirage of responsibility and joyousness is almost equal to actually being responsible and joyous -- at least -- in the eyes of a society that pickles its populace.