Wednesday, November 16, 2011

First Date Tips


You’ve asked him/her out. Now what? These 10 handy tips will prevent you from totally fucking up.


1. Show up with your date’s phone number written on your hand. It’s like, “See? I’m eager to meet you but I’m still too cool for paper.”


2. Look hot, but not like you tried too hard. Ladies: tight T-shirt in red or black, and jeans. Gentlemen: same thing. You’ll look like twins who screw.


3. You must demonstrate what I call ‘green light body language’: Let your date catch you scopin’ his/her bod. Lean in slightly, slowly lick your lips and awkwardly rejoin the conversation. If your crush blushes, congratulations, you’ve passed Go!


4. Alcohol makes you calmer, makes your date look hotter and makes you sluttier. Then, if you decide that you don’t like him/her after all, blame it on those lovable tricksters, Magical Mr. Beefeater and his side-kick, Tonic.


5. Ladies, unless you date Bay street men, pay for yourselves. If he won’t let you, pick up the tab on the second date. Students are poor and life is expensive. Tough titty, princess.


6. Gentlemen, offer to pay. Pretend chivalry still exists. She’ll put up a little fight but you must smack her wallet down. This shows her you’re a powerful, take-charge, kind of fuckface.


7. Dinner and a movie? Yawn. If you care to seem interesting at all, at least suggest home-made Pad Thai and an Indie rock show.


8. If the date goes well, kiss. I recommend soft and wet to begin with, then passionate and French followed by a “I had a really great time,” then sneak in another kiss for the road. NOTE: Fucks don’t go on the road; those should be saved until you’re sure you're ready to spend hours writhing with carnal pleasure and/or catching his/her crotch cooties.


9. Have a plan in case the date goes horribly awry. Turn your cell to vibrate and get a reliable buddy to phone . If you wanna bail, answer the phone all, “Oh hi baby, yeah I’m out with the girls/guys.” This allows your date to hate you for being a cheater rather than cry themselves to sleep from rejection.


10. There has been much debate about how long you should wait before phoning. Yes, I said PHONING, not TEXTING. Next-day is desperate. Three days is uninterested. So how about a voice mail on the second day. There, it’s settled. :)


First published in The Eyeopener, November 2002.

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