1. You’d rather back out of the room smiling than tell a woman how you really feel. Are you afraid of making her cry? If she does, will her tears melt your flesh like sulfuric acid? (Sounds neat!)
2. Like peacocks that can’t fly, your confidence doesn’t reflect your competence.
3. At your core, you just need Mother to tell you you’re a good boy. Your penis is big and it’s OK if you want to play with it…Just not in public. Well...okay, but only on special occasions…like Pride week.
4. Look! Good Boy made dinner one time! What a magical feat! Let’s rent a plane and praise him in sky-writing. Seriously, most of you are just black holes that suck attention from the universe through your urethras.
5. You use testosterone as an excuse for everything shitty.
6. You think your brain is wired to successfully program my universal remote and fix my Mac. KEEP YER DIRTY PAWS OFF ‘EM! I wouldn’t presume to poke around under the hood of your car, just because “I’m pretty good at fixin’ stuff.”
7. …And while it’s nice that one or two of you have cars, reflect on how dickbaggy it is to ban your passengers from touching the radio. And how precious you are about how gently passengers close the door. And how obsessive you are about carwashes in wintertime. Think about that next time you call me a princess for polishing the salt off my John Fluevog boots!
8. There’s no mirrors in Boyland? You expect your woman to wax her entire body every day, but you can’t trim the nose hair that gets in her mouth when you french?
9. In groups, you transform into beer-guzzling monsters who heckle pedestrians and pick fights at clubs. But individually, you’re a bashful bunny with cute widdle whiskers!
10. …that said, no-one wants you to grow a moustache. It’s heartbreaking that modern males feel compelled to grow facial hair just to prove they can, like an annual check-in to confirm they’re still male.
11. You get up to dark mischief. You puke blood in strip club toilets, kill kittens, and fuck teenage sex slaves in Thailand. Every one of you has an evil blip in your past that might be cured with therapy if you didn’t think talking was ‘pussy’.
12. You hate using condoms more than you hate unplanned pregnancies and STIs combined. This is incongruous.
13. When riding public transit, is it mandatory that you sit with your legs spread so wide that you invade the personal space of other passengers? I know what you’re doing. You’re puffing up to warn crackheads that your balls are too huge to be approached.
14. If I hear another one of you praise lion prides, I’ll stab my eardrums. “Lions got it right, man. Cause the king gets to sleep in the shade all day, eats first, and has a harem of females to hump.” But you’re skimming over some important details: the females only keep the alpha around to act as a security guard and seed-source. And don’t ignore the lonely beta males who wander around until they starve. Only 1% of you have the physical superiority to be king.
15. Many of you are homophobic. This is because you know Kinsey was right: we’re all partly gay. It frightens you how much you yearn for anal sex. And cause you’re insanely jealous that your homosexual counterparts are more successful than you in every way.
16. You’re an arrogant and opinionated chauvinist – a Colonel of Fuckattacktics. You will occasionally appear to listen to someone else speak – a methodical diversion – which lowers his/her defenses and leaves his/her mind open to assault.
17. Some of you cushion yourselves from reality by being obsessed with sports. You’ve memorized fiddly details about teams and players but know jack shit about your own friends and family. You hide in front of the TV when there’s a game on to avoid real life…do you play World of Warcraft as well?
18. So you ARE a gamer? I knew it! At least that’s one thing you can do for more than thirty seconds at a time.
19. As children, you all have ADHD. You waste class time by shouting out the answers (which are wrong), you grab my braid-ends and use them as paintbrushes, you get lost on the way to the story carpet, you squiggle underfoot like a coked up breakdancer. Y’all don’t learn to sit still until you’re in your sixties.
20. Today’s males measure bravery through their mastery of extreme sports or Jackass tricks. But when asked to risk your heart, you only go so far as smoking and eating fatty foods. You pee your pants at the sight of blood and snakes, and you’re certainly not brave enough to defend your country. Real masculinity died when your grandfather did.