Become a master bullshit artist. Fill your canvas with vibrant fibs and textured tales then hang it high in a guilt-gilded frame.
1. If you’re invited to dinner with your lover’s parents, be sure to bring a bottle of wine. And not the gut-rotting piss YOU drink. Save up for a nice bottle of red. You want Ma and Pa to get drunk and judge you favourably – at least until they sober up and realize you’re a fuck-face.
2. Ladies: Trade in the crop tops, mini skirts and hooker boots for sweater sets, long skirts and pearls. The June Cleaver look will make you seem less diseased by partyboys of yesteryear.
3. Gentlemen: Trade in the band T-shirts, Diesel jeans and stinky kicks for golf shirts, beige Dockers and polished loafers. You’ll look like Tiger Woods, but moms love his polite asexuality.
4. It’s not a dinner, it’s a sales pitch. Talk yourself up: your academic achievements, your lofty career goals, your love of family. But keep quiet about the size of your endowments because no-one likes a boastful bastard.
5. Rather, compliment their son or daughter’s endowments. For extra points, turn it into a compliment about the family’s superb genes. Example: “Hey Mrs. Something, I see where Donna got her killer rack.” (Clearly, I jest. No booby jokes at the dinner table!)
6. Read the business section regularly. Next time you bump into Mom and Dad, pretend you have a trillion shares of Pfizer stocks. Don’t forget to mention your imaginary trust fund, your pretend loaded grandfather and the money tree in your back yard.
7. If your girlfriend’s mother has a Mrs. Robinson vibe, do not be alone with her – even when she asks you to “help her with something upstairs.” Help only if Mr. Robinson will be there too. Orgies are making a comeback – you wouldn’t want to wimp out and appear rude.
8. Compliment Mother’s decorating style. Something like, “I love how you’ve combined Postwar Functionalism with modern French Country in your sitting room, Mrs. Whatever. Why, that faux-Ikea sofa is simply divine!”
9. Compliment Father’s car. Try, “Your minivan successfully fuses style and safety, Mr. So-and-So! These air bags allow me enough peace of mind to properly enjoy the luxury of this dog-scented interior.”
10. If the aforementioned tips do not help you weasel your way into their good graces, be patient. Many parents reckon the longer you stick around with their offspring, the better you are. That, or the deeper their loathing for you will grow.
Next week: Disposing of the Bodies: Ten Tips.
[First published in The Eyeopener, 2004]
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