Snatcheriffic Fashion Fascism

1. Thank god for leg warmers. How ELSE would we bridge the gap between the iconic 1980s TV series, ‘20 Minute Workout’, and modern bad taste?

2. Loving how you’re cinching your waist by wearing a belt over your cardigan. Creating a very flattering shape there. A very USELESS flattering shape. Like a rhombus or a dirhombicosidodecahedron.

3. Remember you’re not a real person unless you have a TNA bag and Bench hoodie. TRUE fashionistas are upping the ante this season by selling their NAMES as adspace. I am now known as ‘American Expressica,’ bitches!

4. Hey hipster, with your spoogey hair and pilling toque, you look like you’re straight off the set of The Beachcombers! (I know you don’t know what that is…CTV hasn’t produced the sexy modern re-make, yet).

5. Spoogey hair – that reminds me. The Tintin look is over, Mister. PUT AWAY THE DIPPITY DO.

6. Those Payless ballet flats are just as useless as blackened ski socks on a homeless man, cause it seems neither of you can afford real shoes.

7. Hey girl, what are you gonna be for Halloween? A fuzzy whore, Super Slut, winged ho, or immortal tramp? A period-era trollop?! Awesome! Lets get costumes at Seduction – I mean Malabar.

8. It is a true trendsetter who tucks in his black Local Crew T-shirt into his brown-belted Levis. You clean up nice, Pops!

9. Your hat reminds me of Debbie Gibson, Joey from New Kids on the Block and Samantha Ronson all wrapped up in one. Maybe sometimes, I light candles and secretly kiss a poster of you hanging on my bedroom wall. Tee hee.

10. I dig the leather vest! Either your rock & roll career peaked at Altamont in 1969 when the Hells Angels gang member stabbed that spectator OR you’re channeling Freddie Mercury, who rises from the grave to attend fetish parties every Pride weekend?

11. I listen to music too, but your Bose professional-grade headphones are bigger than your face – and are kinda making me jealous – therefore they’re inappropriate to wear whilst drowning out valium-voiced etiquette announcements on the subway during your commute to your HMV job.

12. I WOULD shave off my eyebrows and pencil them back in, higher and darker of course...but ya know what, NOT doing that saves me a step in the morning and leaves me with more time to bronze the fuck out of my cheekbones.

Abominable Foods

1. Brussel Sprouts – You taste like my backyard. There’s grass, old trees, garbage cans, a hobo poking around the alley for empties.

2. Onions – If you eat them raw, you should be ashamed of yourself. You’ll need to go to confession to absolve your sin! But onions are so uncivilized that the priest probably won’t sit within a mile of you! You’ll exit the church in tears then, late Sunday night, alone in your candle-lit kitchen, you’ll gorge on a bulb of raw garlic and have an explosive gastrogasm, won’t you, glutton!?

3. Green peppers – Is this healthy or something? Why’s everyone and their mother trying to make me eat this bitter junk? It’s extra sick when cooked and, unfortunately, stars in every meal of the day, from eggs to pizza. It’s enough to turn a snob anorexic.

4. Fish sauce –It tastes good, but makes you smell you’ve performed cunnilingus on a dead cod.

5. Kraft Dinner – This is an insult to the word ‘dinner’. You call that macaroni? And this garbage is supposed to be cheese? And then you douse it in ketchup to camouflage the poisonous flavour? You stupid gringo, don’t tell me this is your idea of rosé sauce? My sophisticated tastes outgrew this gruel before birth.

6. McDonalds Hamburger – I had one recently…it tasted like fallen dreams. Can’t believe I used to pine for these once upon a time…ahhh…back in the ol’ Americana days, when we didn’t know no better.

7. Liver – This tastes like bile and toxins, which is à propos. While beef liver is weird, I CAN tolerate calf’s liver on occasion, cause how could he accumulate any grossness? He’s toooo cuuuute!!!

8. Pâté – Hey Liver, I know you’re hiding in there! Don’t think you can change forms and market yourself as a delicacy to throw me off your trail. If word gets out that humans are so gullible, your comrade, canned cat food, will be next to launch a line of canapé toppers.

9. Parsnips – This root tastes sweet and metallic, like it’s full of vitamins and minerals. Whatever. People take pills for that. See you to the top the endangered species list, yukko.

10. Popcorn – is delicious EXCEPT at movie theatres, where most people chew it with their mouths open. When this happens, I have to teach mofos some manners. During the quiet scene that you’re ruining, I’ll snatch the bag from your greasy paws and toss it at the screen shouting, “ANIMALS!!!” Then I’ll walk out slowly, kernels like bullets in my wake.

Even Bitchier Fashion Don'ts

1. Nice 5” stilettos. Too bad you look like a stripper with polio when you walk in them.

2. Has Kurt Cobain risen from the grave to assemble an army of neo-grunge, plaid-clad bedheads, or was 1993 just randomly selected as the next big thing and re-packaged as ‘Boho chic’?

3. I don’t care if Sienna Miller was spotted wearing Uggs once, that doesn’t give you the right to wear them unless you, too, are hot enough to have shagged Jude Law.

4. If there weren’t so many monograms and cartoon flowers all over your shit-brown Louis Vuitton purse, it miiiiiiight look like it’s worth the $1000 you paid for it.

5. No-one told me Ed Hardy is now President and CEO of the universe. I bet his name is plastered on the rings of Saturn cause they ALSO wanna look ‘edgy.’

6. Speaking of tattoo designs, I love that dolphin/butterfly/Chinese symbol inked on your back!* *Must invest in companies specializing in laser-removal of stretched-marked clichés. I shall die a trillionaire!!!

7. I love how your jeans are hanging off your ass, boi, cause now I know better than to touch the lice-ridden bits and pieces hidden beyond your stained and threadbare boxers.

8. Because I’m not done ragging on leggings: If you have leggings with fake back pockets screen printed on them so they look like ultra tight jeans (to those with visual impairments, and from over 6 metres away) I’ll burn them and anything they’ve touched, including your sassy lil’ ass.

9. Acid washed, tapered, jeans don’t count as skinny jeans but nice try Mom.

10. Your ass-exposing micro-mini dress is giving boys a “10” on the bone-o-meter but that doesn’t mean they’ll want to hear what you have to say. They’ll presume you’re a brainless floozy, just like all the girls will.

11. Leather pants should NOT be worn by anyone other than rock stars, cougars who go to Chick ‘n’ Deli, and Bon Jovi fans with weaknesses for the Danier outlet store.

12. If your pants are so long that they’re touching the ground, this should indicate that you need them hemmed. HEMMED doesn’t mean rolled up, pinned, or tucked into your socks. It’s something achieved with a needle and thread and – in a jam – double-sided hemming tape which, if you have any self-worth at all, would be tucked neatly in your purse beside your Tide To Go stick.

13. Hey muffin, if your waist is thicker than your hips, you have no business wearing low-rise pants or actually eating muffins.

14. Socks + sandals. Some weirdos are determined to keep committing this offense. Fine. WEAR your socks, sockettes, or nude pantyhose with reinforced toes. I don’t care. But I WILL spread rumors that you have athlete’s foot, warts, corns, hammer toes, bunions, foot odour, toe jam, fungus, oozing blisters, or secret prosthetic feet, and THAT’S why you’ve had to bite your thumb at good taste.

15. How was Yoga class? I presume the locker room was closed for renovations so you’ve been forced to commute home in that Lululemon shit instead of real clothes. Or are you just deliberately showing off cause you can afford $100 ‘work out pants’ and can twist into kinky sexual positions, ya smug bitch?

16. Hey Holden Caulfield, I’m digging your backwards hat. It makes you look so rebellious, so disapproving of the status quo, so aloof to facial sun damage. Now turn it around and grow the fuck up.

Your Tattoo is Ugly

1. Paw Prints – I don’t see the appeal of making it look like you’ve been molested by a raccoon. Like it snuck in through your bedroom window and tap danced on your chest while you were passed out, that sneaky bugger.

2. Strawberry – If you’d like to explain how this is significant to you, I’m all ears. Maybe you ate a tasty strawberry once, and it changed your whole life? Maybe you’re a strawberry picker? Maybe you visited Strawberry Fields in Liverpool and then wobbled down to the tattoo shop after too many Stellas while on holiday? Ding! That’s it.

3. Dolphins – This screams Miami, 1988. Unless you really got it in 1988, in a display of youthful recklessness, then this water mammal is too graceful to be permanently trapped in your sea of skin.

4. Asian characters – That’s special, white guy. You can’t read it, but you’re pretty sure it means “courage” or “individuality” or some shit. Why can’t more English-speaking people get their little mantras written in a respectful Times New Roman? I know, it’s cause you get a chubby eroticizing the unfamiliar like every other arrogant world oppressor.

5. Someone’s Name – This is the #1 reason to invest in tattoo removal technologies. I’m gonna make a trillion dollars offa dimwits who believe in “forever.” Some of us prefer to honour our loved ones through concepts like “being nice to them” and “having fond memories of them” but I guess that’s not literal enough.

6. Belly/Tit tats – Speaking of forever, looks like you presume that you’re gonna be young and toned for all time. I know you’ve listened to the cautions concerning weight gain, skin stretching, and sagging, but you haven’t really heard them, have you. In a few years, it will be fun watching you watch yourself transform into a monster.

7. Stars – Really? Are you 10? Still playing with Crayola ink and rubber stamps? Do you still paint your nails with white out? Star symbols should be banned unless they’re appearing in a full sleeve of the cosmos which, of course, most of you wouldn’t have the balls to get.

8. Astrological Symbols – What a clichéd way to pigeonhole yourself. Who am I? Shoot, I keep forgetting. Wait, if I tattoo a scale on my ass I’m sure I’ll remember! *Zzzzzzzz.* There we are, I’m a scale. I’m “diplomatic and charming.” Clearly.

9. Tribal arm bands – Some fiddly and unoriginal lines around your arm or ankle don’t make you cool. Whatever happened to bracelets? Why aren’t they enough anymore?

10. Teardrops – Smarten up. These tats must be taken gravely seriously, since it insinuates that you’re a gang member who has killed people. I don’t know how certain members of the “mainstream” got hold of this and turned it into a cutesy thing to perma-etch on your face, but it’s not an effin’ beauty mark!

11. Little red tattoos – Red-inked tats usually look like scabs, which means you’re always gonna look gross. If only removing them was as easy (and fun!) as picking them off.

12. Butter/Dragonflies – Hi girlfriend. Your tattoo is as pretty and sweet as cupcakes at bridal showers. It’s not offensive, not suggestive, not thoughtful. But let’s be honest, it’s totally easier to order your body art from the catalogue than having to think too much. Who cares if everyone else has the same one…you’re already standardizing yourself through your H&M wardrobe anyhow.

First Date Tips

You’ve asked him/her out. Now what? These 10 handy tips will prevent you from totally fucking up.

1. Show up with your date’s phone number written on your hand. It’s like, “See? I’m eager to meet you but I’m still too cool for paper.”

2. Look hot, but not like you tried too hard. Ladies: tight T-shirt in red or black, and jeans. Gentlemen: same thing. You’ll look like twins who screw.

3. You must demonstrate what I call ‘green light body language’: Let your date catch you scopin’ his/her bod. Lean in slightly, slowly lick your lips and awkwardly rejoin the conversation. If your crush blushes, congratulations, you’ve passed Go!

4. Alcohol makes you calmer, makes your date look hotter and makes you sluttier. Then, if you decide that you don’t like him/her after all, blame it on those lovable tricksters, Magical Mr. Beefeater and his side-kick, Tonic.

5. Ladies, unless you date Bay street men, pay for yourselves. If he won’t let you, pick up the tab on the second date. Students are poor and life is expensive. Tough titty, princess.

6. Gentlemen, offer to pay. Pretend chivalry still exists. She’ll put up a little fight but you must smack her wallet down. This shows her you’re a powerful, take-charge, kind of fuckface.

7. Dinner and a movie? Yawn. If you care to seem interesting at all, at least suggest home-made Pad Thai and an Indie rock show.

8. If the date goes well, kiss. I recommend soft and wet to begin with, then passionate and French followed by a “I had a really great time,” then sneak in another kiss for the road. NOTE: Fucks don’t go on the road; those should be saved until you’re sure you're ready to spend hours writhing with carnal pleasure and/or catching his/her crotch cooties.

9. Have a plan in case the date goes horribly awry. Turn your cell to vibrate and get a reliable buddy to phone . If you wanna bail, answer the phone all, “Oh hi baby, yeah I’m out with the girls/guys.” This allows your date to hate you for being a cheater rather than cry themselves to sleep from rejection.

10. There has been much debate about how long you should wait before phoning. Yes, I said PHONING, not TEXTING. Next-day is desperate. Three days is uninterested. So how about a voice mail on the second day. There, it’s settled. :)

First published in The Eyeopener, November 2002.