1. You’re cleverer than most men, but you refuse to believe it. You squander your power through modest silence and self-hatred. There goes your advantage, dumbette.
2. Because at one point or another, you giggled when some bestial male made a comment about your tits. If a man spoke about another man’s tits that way, he’d get punched in the nose.
4. …but really, you just didn’t want to break a nail over another titty comment. They cost you a lot, tits and nails.
5. You downplay your ‘feminine interests’ because cooking and baby-making aren’t valued by the 30-something Peter Pans you covet and you know very well voicing these interests will ALSO halt your corporate climb.
6. For some reason, you’re afraid to be alone. You need your hand held throughout every decision you make. Is it because you require constant approval and validation or because, when your decisions don’t result in the desired outcome, you have someone’s ‘bad advice’ to scapegoat?
7. "Shopping is the opium of the people" – Karl Marx.
8. You decidedly ‘aren’t a feminist’. Because to you, feminism means bra burning and butch lesbianism. And you couldn’t possibly live without your cup-increasing water bra…or expand your heterosexist views of love, could you sweetie?
9. You think gender equality exists. Whahahahahaha!
10. You pretend to be submissive when really you’re dominant. So nothing ever gets done right. But this gives you something to pout about, which you secretly cherish because pouting is easier than trying, isn’t that right ya lazy coward?
11. Oh god. Or maybe you’re one of those girls who manipulates everyone until she gets her way. Girls like you ruin perfectly good men for the rest of us.
12. You talk so much, but say so little. You’re like the women of The View in a cage match with The Talk. Bullshit overload!! MUTE BUTTON!!
13. You might be able to watch TV, do laundry, disinfect the toilet, and text-console your BFF while reading an US Weekly. You’re great at multi-tasking – like an octopus treading water in a shark tank, still too distracted to replenish her ink.
14. Your worst fear is being called a ‘bitch’. So you smile and say yes until you finally have a breakdown during menopause.
15. The term ‘whore’ makes your legs lock together. But why become paralyzed with fear? I say, anyone who judges you for being sexually liberated doesn’t deserve the privilege of playing in your bed. If this reasoning doesn’t calm you, here’s one you’ll respond to: Shame and confliction make you look 10 pounds lighter!
16. Oh and then the ‘C word’. CUNT makes you shudder, obviously, because its etymology traces back to the words goddess, priestess, and queen. And those are soooooo yucky, riiight?
17. You allotted 20 minutes in the morning towards the fiddly application of tarantula mascara rather than extra sleep…
18. …all because you wanted to look pretty at the gym.
19. You dreamed of being a princess, or a bride, or a princess bride. But is there any personality under the tiara? Any abilities other than being a skinny vehicle for show tunes and flower bouquets? *
*Ans: Unicorn jockey!
20. Quit blaming the media for your shitty body image. Let’s hear you whine about celebrity culture and Photoshop once you’ve been maimed in an accident. Or maybe a little aneurism would dislodge your confidence block?
21. You think that being a woman means you’re naturally nurturing. And that’s why you’re trying to heal the broken man. “But all you need is love, like that song says,” you rationalize to your girlfriends over brunch. They smile and nod. Except for the one who reminds you of Miranda…she points out your shitty self esteem and low standards. Then you shun her for a month.
22. Nothing inspires your deepest cruelty as much as other women. You’re competitive and petty because you’re jealous that she might be happier than you. And maybe she is, from time to time. We don’t all have to be on the same side but let’s try to act with respect and dignity, OK ya dumb whore?