Wednesday, January 11, 2012

How to be a Secret Alcoholic

1. Clear liquors are your best friend. A tumbler-full can be mistaken for water. And when mixed with pop or juice, you can add a single shot like a SmartServed lily-liver OR pour yourself a handsome quad.

2. “But Guinness is actually a health drink. A meal replacement beverage. The 0.3% iron content will supplement a diet consisting of many other beers,” he defended cleverly.

3. “Tonic, as its name suggests, is medicinal. It contains malaria-busting quinine. The gin is added to disinfect your innards,” she said, proudly educating her friends.

4. Booze is your companion in sorrow and celebration. So there’s great reasons to take advantage of it every day! Note that I said take advantage, not abuse.

5. …Which brings me to a very important point: utilize the power of language to manage your public image. You’re not “drunk” (how ugly!). No, you’re “merry.” You’re not “sloshed” you’re “flushed” (certainly there’s nothing wrong with a little blush in a lady’s cheeks?) You “imbibe” on weekends and “appreciate the nose” of wines.

6. When out with friends, order your drinks from the bartender instead of the server at the table. That way, your 8 beers aren’t tabulated on the group’s bill. Your over-consumption will remain between you and the bartender (who won’t judge, seeing as he’s probably also a booze-blood.)

7. Eight beers are best hidden by drinking from bottles. This way, the repeatedly low liquid level is hard for others to see. Sticking to the same brand will also trick people into thinking that the seventh is still your second.

8. Drink water. It makes you appear ultra responsible. And might actually help you not puke up the $150 you spent at the bar.

9. Eat food. It makes you seem rounded, like you’re not just in the market to drink. No, see, you’re pairing the cognac with cheese & crustinis, and that’s a super classy way to get “cheerful” AND “voluptuous.”

10. In conclusion, intoxication is a mind-set. If you turn into a violent, weepy, or stumbly monster, you’re failing the game. Painting the mirage of responsibility and joyousness is almost equal to actually being responsible and joyous -- at least -- in the eyes of a society that pickles its populace.

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